I moved into my own place at the beginning of the January, a very cute upper flat in North Buffalo. I miss seeing my parents on a regular basis but I forgot how much I enjoyed living on my own.
Now that I’m on my own, again, I adopted two cats from a foster lady, my landlady’s friends with, up near Lockport.
Please don’t get me wrong, I miss Lady Gray, Saffron, and Charlie very, very much, but am totally in love with my new furry kids.
Sammy B.
Waltzing Matilda
This semester I’ve an amazingly diverse group of students taking my advanced reading and writing class. The writing portion of the class has been going well and I’ve been quite pleased with the progress they’ve made since the beginning of the semester.
But, now that we’re getting into the nitty-gritty reading portions, my students are clamming up. We’ve been reading a few sociology articles on race, ethnicity, and gender, and I can’t get them to talk to save my life.
I’m not sure if it’s because they’re international students and these things aren’t talked about at university in their home countries, or if they’re so petrified of saying something wrong that they’re not talking. It makes me nuts, they don’t give any opinion about their readings, and I have to give way too much of my own to get them to talk.
I’m changing up the readings a little bit for next semester, I’m hoping that will improve the situation, becausenwhile I like talking, I hate hearing myself talk just to keep the conversation going.
Last week Thursday I learned that one of my oldest nephew’s friends committed suicide earlier in the week. I spent a good portion of the day trying to wrap my head around it.
The scary thing is, at the end of the day I could understand why this boy did what he did. I’m in no way saying that what he did was right, but I’ve been there, on more than one occasion in high school, and most recently in the spring of 2011, in that dark place where you think things can’t get any better so the best thing to do would be to end it all.
But there was always one thing that held me back from going through with it: my family. Knowing what my death would do to my them helped me to not make that walk over the ledge.
When people learn I take anit-depressants (as you can tell, I’m not shy in talking about it) I often hear, especially from people who are anti-drug for mental health, “But you’re so happy!” or “You don’t need them.” When I respond telling them that taking meds have literally saved my life I hope it changes their perspective, because it definitely shuts them up.
What I’m trying to say, is that you’re not alone, there are other people out there who also have struggled with moments of helplessness. There are people out there to help you, just pick up the phone, and call 1.800.237.TALK (1.800.237.8255).
Because you matter.
One of the many things I love about being back in Buffalo is the awesome clouds we get (thank you Lake Erie). A day doesn’t go by where I don’t want to take a picture of the sky; unfortunately, it’s usually when I’m driving, and taking photos while driving is a no-no.
Here’s a few I’ve taken since coming back, in no particular order.
And yes, this is my attempt at getting back into blogging, after so many months away. We’ll see how it goes.
The school year ended this past Friday, and I decided to take this week off from anything work related (What, you didn’t know teachers spend their unpaid summers prepping for the next school year? Silly reader.). I’m spending most of my time catching up on all those books I downloaded to my Kindle the past few months. And hoo boy I feel dumb.
I spent a good portion of this evening reading A Clash of Kings, the second book in the Game of Thrones series, and I must have had to consult the dictionary at least once per page, page and a half. And yes, I did try to get it from context first, thank you very much. I, amazingly enough, do use the reading strategies I teach. The only consolation I had, if one could call it that, was most of the words I didn’t know I guessed came from Middle English or French, and I was right most of the time. (Thank you Prof. Cohen, and your Chaucer class.) But I still had to look them up.
The loss of vocabulary is not a big surprise. I work with elementary students who don’t speak English at home, as well as a handful of true English Language Learners. I have to simplify my word choice most of the day. I shouldn’t be surprised by the loss of polysyllabic words from my… repertoire?… personal usage?… I can’t think of the word. I experienced something very similar after coming back from China. I couldn’t remember words that I used on a regular basis prior to leaving. I’m hoping that with enough reading and talking to peers with a vocabulary as large as mine once was, or larger, will help get me back up to speed before the school year starts up again.
No matter how well things are going between you and your future ex-husband it still sucks. I can’t imagine what it’s like for people who are having messy, hateful, emotionally draining divorces. This one, which is going amazingly well as far a divorce is concerned, is horrible enough, thank you very much.
I could care less if you are getting married, engaged, or having a baby. It’s too painful. The image I held for the past 8+ years for my future is gone, and coming to terms with that while hearing about someone else’s joyous occasion just adds fuel to the fire of grief.
If you ask me how I’m holding up my answer will always be “OK”; anything else is bound to set me into a fit of crying. So know when I say I’m OK that I’m not but I don’t want to talk about it at that moment. But it doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate the question, because I do.
People are going to take sides. I don’t want them to, but it’s bound to happen, and I understand that. I just hope that friends that were more Niels’ friend than mine still feel like they can text or email to see how I am (and vice versa). Because I don’t know your thoughts on it all, I need you to take the first step in contacting me. And if you’re going to take sides I hope you’ve the courage to let me know.
Don’t badmouth Niels to me, I will rip your head off. It takes two people to make a relationship work, and even though ours didn’t, I still care for him very, very much, and will always care for him. I won’t tolerate inappropriate comments. You don’t know everything, it is not your place to judge him or me.
I need your help to pull me out of potentially becoming a recluse. I’m an extrovert by nature, but this whole thing has caused me to begin hiding within myself. I have not been good about asking people to hang out because I worry about being a bother, so please if you think I may be interested in hanging out or going to a show, please ask, I can use a little outreach.
Supportive parents are a godsend. Growing up, my relationship with my parents was slightly complicated, as it is for most children, but I don’t think I could get through this without the unconditional love and support (as well as that of my siblings) that I’ve been receiving since this all went down. I would be in a much worse emotional state if it weren’t for them.
Looking back on previous posts, I seem to constantly comment on the passage of time. One would think I’m obsessed with the passage of time. Maybe I am. When remembering parts of my past it’s always in relation to other events that were going on in my life at the time, where I was living, working, or who I was with. So when I calculate the number of years that have passed since *X* happened I’m always surprised, because it doesn’t feel like it was so many years ago.
I can’t believe May’s coming coming to a close, that I’ve been back in Buffalo for 10 months already, my 20th high school reunion is next year and in two and a half weeks I’ll be 37…
Yeah, I totally started this post two weeks ago and it’s completely fallen by the wayside. Life got in the way of me completing the post. A lot of stuff is going on, but nothing that I’m ready to share with the world.
Needless to say going through a divorce sucks.
That is all.
For now.
I started a post yesterday, ranting (quelle surprise!) about some local political issue (again, surprise!), but decided against it, realizing it may be a bad idea in the long run. When I lived in D.C. I could rant pretty much about anything and not have to worry too much about what I wrote. Now that I’m back in Buffalo, a smaller city than DC, I’ve to mind my p’s & q’s more than I’ve had to in the past. In the long run, it’s a good thing, I’ve a tendency to run my mouth before completely processing the information I’ve been given. It’s something I’m working on. but some habits are hard to break.
I’m not too keen on having to censor myself, if you know me outside of the blog world you know I’m pretty open. But with all the upheaval in my life, my boundaries are all askew and I’m trying to redraw them.
I’ve been trying to figure out how to start this blog post for a couple weeks, yet everything I thought of sounded cliche or forced. I’m still struggling with putting it all together so if it sounds choppy, that’s because it’s very much reflective of my state of mind right now.
If you’ve actually stuck around, you’ve noticed that this is only my fourth post in as many months. On the personal front it’s been a pretty rough start to 2012. I’ve been dealing with some pretty serious personal issues, my depression and the fact that Niels and I recently separated. I’m not going to get into details but I feel it important to state that my depression wasn’t a factor in the separation. I am riding a roller coaster of emotions in its aftermath, having good and bad days, sometimes in the same day. Because of this, posting may continue to be light for the next few months while I navigate the stormy waters.
For those of you who know me outside of the blogosphere, you know I am a pretty stubborn person. When I’ve my mind made up on something it can be hard to get me to change it. I will dig my heels in and not move.
The past couple weeks the Universe has been letting me know that I might need to change my perspective on everything that’s been going on in my life. I’ve been looking at my life from one angle for so long that I no longer saw that it wasn’t the Universe who needed to change, but it was me.
So, I’ve moved, not far, but enough to let me see things from a new, and hopefully better view. I’m not sure it if means my mind will be changed in the long run, but it’s enough to show me that there are things I can do to improve myself as well as affect those I love in a positive manner.
It’s a small step, but one that I think could have positive results in the long run.
Oh look it’s the end of February, and I’ve not updated my header for the month. Oh well, it just means that it’ll have to be extra awesome for March.
I’m slowly emerging from the deep depression that has been hanging around my neck since January. I’ve had my meds upped which has helped quite a bit, and after talking about it for years, I’ve finally started talk therapy up again after being away from it for over 20 years. I got really lucky and meshed with my guy from the get go. I’ve heard lots of horror stories regarding therapists, and I’m so grateful I’ve not had to shop around for one that can best suit my special kind of crazy.
I’ve made some poor choices over the past couple months that set off this bout of depression. These decisions have also hurt people I love and I’m now working on rebuilding trust.
There are people in my life for whom I care and love a great deal, but are not good for my current mental or spiritual well-being. Letting loved ones go is one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make. I don’t like letting go of people I care about, but sometimes it needs to be done, and I have to leave it up to the Universe to let me know if they will be part of my life again in the future. There are days I feel like my soul has been ripped out of my being.
The next couple months are probably going to be the hardest I’ve ever faced, but I have to believe that I’m going to be stronger in the end.
I’m still around.
Blogging has been quiet the past month or so, as I’m dealing with a major bout of depression. One like I’ve never experienced before. I wish I could discuss it, like some bloggers I greatly admire, but I am not, nor do I think I ever will be, at that point.
I’m still alive, trying to climb my way up from the abyss. And when I do, I hope to get back to regular posting.
(If I hear that song one more time, I’m going to puke. Why can’t the radio stations play more than the same five Christmas songs over, and over again? There’s a treasure trove of great Christmas songs out there (Bing Crosby, Mitch Miller, Johnny Mathis), you know the oldies, but none of them are getting played. I’m not religious, but I do love me my Christmas songs (the week before and the week after Christmas, not the day after Thanksgiving thank you very much). When I have to constantly channel surf while in the car in order to hear a good one it makes me a little cranky.)
Am in Buffalo for Christmas this year, and without the snow it feels like any other day. I’ve been looking forward to snow since August, and the lack of it, especially for the holidays, I find to be a bit depressing.
So Mother Nature, please send us some snow!
Buffalo saw it’s first real snow of the season today, which was both exciting and terrifying for me.
I love snow. Love. It. I’m a winter girl (except for the lack of sunlight thing); I love how the crisp air makes my cheeks feel. I love layering in sweaters, and other warm, cozy clothes; the postcard picture look the city has from the snow. And snow days, I can’t forget the snow days.
This morning I was a little apprehensive about driving. I hadn’t driven in snow since 1997, I wasn’t sure how our car would handle in it, but it all went well. The biggest annoyance is that the first snow of the season makes drivers act like morons (more than usual) for the first few days after the first snow. It’s something I’ve never understood, most everyone who lives here grew up here and it’s not like snow comes as a surprise every winter. But for some reason or another they’re all “OH MY GOD IT’S SNOWING!!! How DO I drive in it???” Makes me crazy.
I made it through the first snow, and I say BRING IT ON!!
Why hello there! It has been a long time, hasn’t it? In addition to being ridiculously busy, I’ve not felt the writing bug this month. I’ve been relatively quiet over on Facebook, and even more so on Twitter.
What have I been up to you ask? Teaching, gaming, knitting, family, friends, more gaming, and being sick. Hoo boy have I been sick. First tonsillitis, and then bronchitis. I’m having memories of China where I was sick the whole two years we were there. I’m wondering if my return Buffalo’s going to start off the same way. I’m not fully over my bronchitis, and I can feel another cold coming on. Niels and I’ve talked and agree that my delicate constitution makes me an unlikely candidate for surviving the Zombie Apocalypse.
I’m hoping that once the college class I’m teaching ends (on Thursday) I’ll have more time for the web things I like to do so much It’s just by the time I get home from one of the many things I’ve going on, I’ve zero motivation to write, which has been making me sad. After all these years of fighting writing, and feeling like it’s a struggle, I actually want to write. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I’m teaching a writing course, I don’t know. Who would have ever imagined that I’d actually enjoy writing?! Yeah, me neither.
